Another hallmark of goat fanaticism falls victim

Kevin Doonan

Since 1966, a guerilla war has raged beyond the confines Sweden’s Scandinavian shoals. Authorities have battled each year to protect a majestic goat, constructed out of 3.6 tons of hay. The elephantine goat is erected every holiday season as a Scandinavian symbol of gift-giving, predating Santa Claus.

Over the past 56 years, only 12 of the goats have survived the onslaught of arsonist Swedes, who annually concoct schemes of goatly demise. This year, the goat hunters were able to evade security patrols, and set the mountain-high Scandinavian Yule symbol alight, even despite an icy coating designed as a flame retardant.

In years past the goat nimrods have utilized other means to dispose of the afront to grinchdom. In 1976 there was the famous high-velocity frontal assault with a car bumper. Then there was the confounded ploy of 2010, to swoop in low with a helicopter, and whisk the towering hay bail away to Stockholm.

Although the prodigious goat met its demise via inferno, the contest of wills shall resume once more next holiday season. With no end to the hostilities in sight, the Swedish goat wars may one day spell doom for giant symbolic goats across the world.