Death by Twinkie


Kevin Doonan

All hell will break loose, once the denizens of America with superbly spherical torsos, wade out of their couches, and waddle after whoever is held responsible for the impending disruption in Twinkies production. Friday, Hostess Brands, famous for its sponsorship of The Howdy Doody Show, implored a bankruptcy court to let them fold, citing an inability to survive a bakers’ strike currently inflicting the company.

Without the precious Twinkie, Americans will be forced to subsist on la cucaracha shish kabobs, in the post-December 21st apocalyptic world. Thursday night will witness the last shipment of Hostess products and if that doesn’t spell doom … I don’t know what does. A warning to the meek and innocent, do your grocery shopping Wednesday, because the Friday morning news will no doubt be overloaded with stampede related deaths, as Twinkies, Devil Dogs, Ding Dongs, Sno Balls, Ho Hos, Suzy Q’s, Dolly Madison Zingers, Drake’s Ring Dings, and Wonder Bread fly off convenience store shelves … for the last time.

The Twinkie has led an illustrious life since its inception in 1930, when baker James Dewar got the idea of stuffing sponge cake with cream. Among the Twinkie’s long list of exploits is the coining of the term “Twinkie defense” as a mocking description of a weak legal defense. The term was coined during the 1979 murder trial of San Francisco city supervisor Harvey Milk and mayor George Moscone. Defendant Dan White’s lawyer said the accused did it because he was suffering from a dietary-induced depression, exemplified by White’s massive Twinkie splurges. The argument actually worked and White was convicted of voluntary manslaughter instead of premeditated murder.

And for anyone foolish enough to think the Twinkie is not important, consider the following: In 1999, along with a piece of the Berlin Wall, Ray Charles’ sunglasses, a clip of Neil Armstrong trolling on the moon, and a photo of Rosa Parks (just to name a few), the Twinkie was approved for inclusion in the Millenium Time Capsule (though later it was taken out).