Words of Wisdom?

Michael McGuire

Not food for thought, just a few boneless nuggets to nibble on:

• They say to pretend the audience is naked if you get nervous in the spotlight. That’s fine (do that when I’m not nervous). But what if there’s family in the crowd? Lock eyes with grandma in her birthday suit, see how good the speech goes.

• You’re supposed to send Thank You notes immediately after someone does something nice for you. Let’s say you don’t (Hello, everyone). In my opinion, it is better to be really late with it as opposed to just a few weeks late. Just a few weeks late says, “I would have got around sooner to showing you my appreciation for your generosity, but I was too busy spending hours of work and free time sending worthless e-gifts to Facebook friends.” Whereas being ultra-late, maybe even a year or more, says, “Life got a little crazy there for a while. A long while. But you were on my mind through it all. And your gift has grown to mean more to me now than ever.” Yes, that last line is complete BS. And you should use it in the note. The lazy and clever rule the world.

• Everyone sings great in the shower. Studio-quality sound. Even the live performances are good (Beneath the stream of a low-flow efficiency head, I laid down a bass solo in Rio that was so heavy all 110,000 in the crowd went deaf and miraculously knew sign language before the song was over.) However, know that thy ability to rock turns off with the water. And if you’re in an apartment building, most likely your neighbors hear every note and can attest to how much you suck.

• Give me a break, ladies. Enough with the naughty nurse, naughty teacher, naughty witch, and naughty she-devil costumes. It was rad the first couple years (heck, it’s still pretty rad). But that kind of dress is common these days. Halloween is about getting weird. Turning the norm on its ear. Want to impress me, dress up as a pleasant DMV clerk. Or a crazy bag lady in a two-piece she made from plastic six pack holders (save the seagulls, she’s always hollering).

• Don’t even stop at four ways. Just roll through. Somebody will be there waiting, looking funny, waving you on anyway.