Shopping cart marriage legalized, but not yet acceptedized

Michael McGuire

“By the power vested in me by the City of Norwich, I now pronounce you cart and cart. You may conveniently interlock with each other for storage purposes.”

The crowd-on-wheels stationed outside the Norwich City Court Monday rattled their cages in thunderous approval.

“Atta boy, Barry,” Somecart yelled out. “Show ‘er the ole swinging gate.”

With that, Mr. and Mrs. Barry and Randi Greasedbearing, the history-making bride and groom, were showered with shredded sales flyers as they headed for the South Plaza in a rented cart-caddy for their 10-day honeymoon.

The first-ever legal shopping cart wedding had concluded.

About 30 similar ceremonies followed in what many on-hand say was a day-long celebration of love and cart’s rights.

“None of this seems real,” said Randi. “I’m still afraid that it’s all just a dream.”

Just over 24 hours after the unprecedented love-fest, a record number of carts have already been popping-up in blissful pairs on lawns and street corners throughout the city.

According to legal experts, however, Randi’s dream, and the dream of several hundred other carts, could turn into a nightmare.

Officials in Albany are already threatening to challenge the city’s recently passed cart marriage law in Supreme Court on the grounds that “it’s really retarded.”

Others want it banned based on religious and moral standards.

“In the bible it says Adam and Eve,” said Wilton Flowers, a self-proclaimed member of the moral majority. “Not Wheelie and Squeak.”

In fact, it doesn’t mention shopping carts at all in the Bible, experts point out. That’s prompted some civil rights activists to call for a re-write of the good book.

“It’s plain and simple; by not including them in his Bible, God has discriminated against shopping carts,” said Sue Anne Litigate, a legal analyst for A-Cart-heid, a non-profit cart’s rights group. “We don’t care who re-writes it, as long as carts get a fair shake.”

In anticipation of the new carriage-friendly Bible testament, married or soon-to-be-wed carts have been seen wearing shirts that read, “The Greatest Story Ever Rolled.”

Even armed with the bible and the law, things aren’t looking up for the carts’ cause. Currently, over a dozen suits challenging the marriages in some form have been filed in state and federal courts. With no legal precedent set, many are unsure how justices will rule in these landmark cases. When informally polled if they were pro or anti cart, 99 percent of surrogate court judges replied, “are you serious?” The other one percent laughed.

While the judges’ positions are inconclusive, the public is clearly split.

Ironically, two separate groups, one for and one against the law, say they both plan to sue God if he rules in favor of the other side.

However the chips fall, Barry and Randi say they’ll always be in love.

“So maybe we won’t get a tax-break,” Barry said, sipping on a Virgin Daiquiri outside the Tractor Supply, enjoying his 10-day vacation. “Big deal.”

“It was still the best day of my life,” Randi added.