The gift of stupidity
If you’ve ever been to a wedding, chances are you’ve given a standard wedding gift, right?
Cards, gift certificates, money, crock-pots, kitchen sets, etc.
Have you ever given a gift that keeps on giving?
I call them embarrassment bonds.
Many of those were offered at a great friend of mine’s wedding that I was in this past weekend.
For example, I left people forever with the image of myself dancing cheek-to-chest with the groom’s strapping father.
Our song: “Unchained Melody.” Our dance floor: made of clouds. Our moment: Indescribable. So are the pictures on Youtube. He’s already lost out on a huge promotion because of them and I’ll never be taken seriously on the net again.
It goes to show, an open bar and an open mind are not a good combo in the information age.
That wasn’t even the worst of it.
I thought it’d be a good idea to throw on some Axe Body Spray from the free amenities tray in the reception hall bathroom during a quick freshen-up. Turns out it wasn’t spray, but actually shave gel. I didn’t notice until after giving myself a thorough hosing. Good thing I had tuxedo insurance – and a good explanation.
“Your dad’s fiancé was so jealous because of our dance that she accosted me in the bathroom and doused me with Nivea shave gel,” I told my newlywed friend. “She was about to give me a swirly before DJ Dave came in and threw her off me. Real mature.”
So much drama. So little time.
Although I enjoyed it, this next scenario turned out to be the holiday fruit cake in my little gift basket:
The maid of honor and I are both huge horror fans. So as a gag, I made a mask out of a piece of prime rib off the buffet, revved up my Stihl saw, and chased her screaming throughout the reception pretending I was “Leatherface” from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We wrecked a few tables, tweaked some pace makers and ruined a few dinners. In hindsight, doing that during the father daughter dance was probably in poor taste.
The people that matter all laughed.
I call those embarrassment bonds because the stories will only mature – get stupider and more over-the-top – with time.
Who remembers a bread maker?
July 25th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
I’ll bet your mama was proud of you!!!
July 31st, 2007 at 6:07 pm
NICE!!!!
August 6th, 2007 at 9:47 am
I disagree; I think an open mind and an open bar are a good combination. It gives us an opportunity to see the real person and more. Dancing, I did lose the bet. I was asked to give the charming Mike a quick dance lesson before he escorted my beautiful fiancé on to the floor. I quickly learned you can’t teach a stronger person covered in Nivea shaving gel how to dance. However, it was one of my cooler moments of the day.
The parties, rehearsal, dinner and wedding all turned out perfect. The happily married couple is truly lucky to have so many wonder friends.
August 6th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Mike- you put the ass in em-BARE-ASS-ment.
Your mama might not have been proud but I sure was. You left out the part about your well delivered heartfelt speech and how you were grinding on the dance floor with the bride’s grandmother to “Every Rose Has its Thorn.”
You may be the only man who can look sexy with blood dripping prime rib on your face and smelling faintly of cheap batheroom aftershave. Pretty scary stuff… it made “Saw” look like a Romper Room episode.
There’s nothing that beats watching your best friends get married… and an open bar!
You know its been a real fun wedding when you wake up naked in a strange room with remnants of rose petals and gas station snack feast.
Who needs dignity anyway? I’m with you!