Maybe it’s because I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately, or because I’m wearing my headband too tight, but these are the random thoughts swimming through my head today. Enjoy your glimpse into insanity!

This morning, as I was driving to work I saw several disturbing things, not the least of which was the surprising number of people who think bathroom necessities make wonderful flower planters. A word of advise, there is no good reason to have a toilet sitting on your lawn. Even with flowers growing out of it, it looks tacky! That point cannot be stressed enough.
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On the hill where I live, everything echoes, so when you hear a weird noise, it is echoed back about a million times and sounds even stranger than it is. Last night, I was hanging clothes out to dry when I heard the strangest noise ever. I know it was probably just a couple of four-wheelers or motorcycles driving near my house, but at the time, I swear it sounded exactly like a group of orks were about to attack. Just in case I’m right, be on the lookout for an evil ork army.
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Last weekend, I was forced to sit through the “Transformers” movie. I still don’t understand why virtually all of the grown-up, adult men that I know are drooling and saying it is the best movie ever made. (On my list it falls somewhere between “Battlefield Earth” and “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.”) But I do suddenly understand why for the past three years, my husband has been commanding our car to turn into a robot and smite his enemies.

If you’ve ever been to a wedding, chances are you’ve given a standard wedding gift, right?

Cards, gift certificates, money, crock-pots, kitchen sets, etc.

Have you ever given a gift that keeps on giving?

I call them embarrassment bonds.

Many of those were offered at a great friend of mine’s wedding that I was in this past weekend.

For example, I left people forever with the image of myself dancing cheek-to-chest with the groom’s strapping father.

Our song: “Unchained Melody.” Our dance floor: made of clouds. Our moment: Indescribable. So are the pictures on Youtube. He’s already lost out on a huge promotion because of them and I’ll never be taken seriously on the net again.

It goes to show, an open bar and an open mind are not a good combo in the information age.

That wasn’t even the worst of it.

I thought it’d be a good idea to throw on some Axe Body Spray from the free amenities tray in the reception hall bathroom during a quick freshen-up. Turns out it wasn’t spray, but actually shave gel. I didn’t notice until after giving myself a thorough hosing. Good thing I had tuxedo insurance – and a good explanation.

“Your dad’s fiancé was so jealous because of our dance that she accosted me in the bathroom and doused me with Nivea shave gel,” I told my newlywed friend. “She was about to give me a swirly before DJ Dave came in and threw her off me. Real mature.”

So much drama. So little time.

Although I enjoyed it, this next scenario turned out to be the holiday fruit cake in my little gift basket:

The maid of honor and I are both huge horror fans. So as a gag, I made a mask out of a piece of prime rib off the buffet, revved up my Stihl saw, and chased her screaming throughout the reception pretending I was “Leatherface” from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We wrecked a few tables, tweaked some pace makers and ruined a few dinners. In hindsight, doing that during the father daughter dance was probably in poor taste.

The people that matter all laughed.

I call those embarrassment bonds because the stories will only mature – get stupider and more over-the-top – with time.

Who remembers a bread maker?

“The Great American in Oxford will be closing very soon. It will be a big loss to the community. What are people who don’t drive or senior citizens going to do? The town fathers need to get busy to find someone to take their place. They should have been on top of this before it happened.”
Woman from Oxford

I couldn’t disagree more, Woman from Oxford. I’m all for blaming our local, state and federal governments for just about anything, but I can’t count among their responsibilities providing me with a decent grocery store in close proximity.

And yet, every time a business closes, or when a larger chain opens, the knee-jerk reaction of the people seems to be to blame the “town/city fathers” for “allowing” a business to close, or “allowing” a big box retailer to come in and crush the little guy. Someone on our ES Forum a few months back blamed the Norwich BID for “allowing” the sale of Eckerd’s to Rite-Aid!

These issues are not the purview of the government, folks. Familiarize yourself with the concepts of free enterprise and capitalism before you admonish the government for not being more involved in business. Sure, governing bodies can make an area more attractive to businesses, they can enact laws and tax structures that make it easier to actually do business here, but they cannot – and should not – make businesses come here, stay open, or stay away.

The closing of the Oxford Great American is surely a great loss to the community (or, more precisely – the lack of a decent, clean and friendly full-service grocery store is a detriment to the village), but its impending closure is a business decision. For whatever reason, I’m assuming that it was no longer profitable for that business to operate in Oxford, so they’re closing for good in August. The operators of that store were under no obligation to inform the “town fathers;” nor, do I believe, is it the obligation of the “town fathers” to find a grocery store to replace it!

For years I’ve fielded comments to ‘30 Seconds” saying “they” should put in a Target. Or “they” should put in a Ponderosa, Old Country Buffet, Microsoft chip plant, you name it … and I always wondered who the caller thought “they” was. There is no “they.”

Town of Norwich Supervisor Dave Law has enjoyed an embarrassment of riches lately in new business ventures coming to the town, and while I’m sure he aided in the process, I highly doubt that he (or any other elected official) is what “brought” Lowe’s to town. Lowe’s came to town because Lowe’s thought they could make a buck here. Great American is skipping out of Oxford because Great American can’t make a buck there. Stop and think how it works before you go blaming “they.”

Generally speaking, lobster scare me. They’re kind of like big spiders with skittery little legs and huge claws and something about the fact that they are bright red conjures up images of evil little devils and freaks me out considerably.

Having said all of that, I have to admit that my first Lobsterfest went better than I had expected. I’m always a little nervous when I have to interview people who I don’t speak to on a regular basis. They don’t know me and I don’t know them and I always worry that I’m going to make some kind of huge mistake that will ruin my career, my reputation and my ego and make me want to crawl into a hole and hide.

Luckily for me, that didn’t happen. Instead I got to hear a lot of information that sounded like it had been prepared before-hand. A little information that made me think people were genuinely trying to answer my questions, and a couple beer-inspired responses from individuals who will remain nameless.

Despite my nerves, and the vast amount of shellfish that seemed  to be slowly surrounding me, I had a good time. Hearing local and state politicians talk to each other and to county residents about real problems and real solutions was something I never imagined I would see. Who knows what will come of the issues discussed over the country club’s cuisine, or what possible solutions there may be in the future, but seeing republicans and democrats from different levels of government discussing ideas for the future gives me just a little more hope for the years ahead.

When is the last time I played with Barbies I ask? “If I spent $40 on a Barbie you would have fit.”

Then Nick says ” Barbies suck, no wonder you don’t play with them anymore!” “Transformers rock, your just jealous, he says…”

This is the beginning of the conversation where Nick tried to justify why he went out and spent roughly $100 on transformer toys.

It started six months ago or so when he insisted he needed to order the entire collection of transformer episodes and then proceeded to make me sit night after night watching them with him until finally even in my dreams I would be singing along with transformer theme.

When I thought this had gone too far, the movie was coming out. He headed to the movies two weeks ago and the obsession grew just a touch more. Now he owns a Optimus Prime DOLL and a few others that are currently for sale all sized to scale none the less.

He says what I buy is Junk and clutter and some how I question this as I roll over in bed in the morning to be face to face with Optimus staring up from his package next to the bed. (Well not really staring because he’s is still in the bag by the bed of the floor) but still it is disturbing to some degree.

We were in the store with our two sons Saturday, I had the boys and daddy seemed to have disappeared. I wandered over to the toy section only to find Nick and another grown man with arms full of transformers.

Upon seeing this I say out loud “usually when I come down the toy aisle there are children playing with the toys not grown men.”

ANNNNDDD….. They say nothing because they are too preoccupied chatting away about how totally cool the transformer toys are!!!! “ROCKIN”

Well now that I have numerous transformer toys lining my bedroom I happy to realize Nick is still a kid at heart, the only bad part is this kid now has a wallet.

Did you forget about Sammy Sosa? What about Jose Guillen or even Derek Lee? Some players look like they’re ready for the scrap heap, and Sosa was out of baseball for a full year before a solid spring training landed him a one-year contract with the Rangers. At this point of his career, Sosa is no longer a high average threat. He has hovered in the .250 average range much of the season, but his power production is plentiful and worth a second look. If you need RBIs and home runs, he could be a nifty pickup. He leads Texas with 64 runs batted in and is tied for the team lead with 14 homers. At his current pace he’ll hit over 25 homers and drive in over 100 runs. Is that something to sneer at?

The there is Jose Guillen. For two seasons now, Guillen has languished with declining stats. In fact, a year ago in Washington, he was a low .200 hitter with minimal production. Much of that was due to a long-term stay on the disabled list. But what about 2007? He is a big reason for Seattle’s surge over the last month, and is on pace for 20 homers and 100 RBI. Not a bad turnaround for a guy seemingly on the downside of his career.

And in Tampa Bay, I’m still flabbergasted by Carlos Pena’s continued streak of steady hitting. He was never a high average hitter, but is currently at .297. He is also among the league’s best with 22 homers and 60 RBI. Pena still strikes out too much, but a .403 on base percentage cancels out those whiffs.

Derek Lee of the Cubs is a couple of years moved from a triple crown threat season. His 2006 season was so poor, though, based on a lofty standard, I personally forgot about him and valued him way too low. He is far off his 40-plus homer potential, yet a .337 average and 90-plus ribbie potential keeps a fantasy owner happy.

Hard to believe Ken Griffey is someone we would consider writing off, but his injury-prone nature in recent years has left many a skeptical fantasy owner. “Kid,” who is now 37, is having his finest season with the Reds since his initial trade from Seattle, and is on pace for over 40 homers and 110 RBI. We like those numbers; we like them a lot.

Among the pitchers who seem rejuvenated or at least vastly improved in 2007, there are Oliver Perez of New York, who won just three games a year ago and had an ERA well over 6.00. This year he is 8-6 with an ERA at 3.13 and a career-low 1.19 WHIP.

Ted Lilly of Chicago has chopped nearly a point off his ERA and a substantial chunk off his WHIP. Oh, and he strikes out about eight batters per nine innings and will likely win around 15 games.

Mark Buerhle’s no-hitter for the White Sox should have been the good sign fantasy owners were looking for. His 2.98 ERA is two full points below last year, and his staff-killing 1.46 WHIP of last year is down to a stellar 1.08. If not for the White Sox’s anemic first-half offense, he’d be an ace on most staffs.

And lastly, AL all-star game starter Dan Haren is perhaps the first-half Cy Young. Barely a .500 pitcher a year ago with an ERA over 4.00, he has dropped that nearly two full points, and his WHIP was below 1.00 until recently. Haren has needed to be good on the mound with the A’s sporting perhaps the worst offense in the big leagues.

Unlike Jill, I did fall into the Harry Potter phenomenon. It was entirely accidental, but after reading the first book, I had no choice but to continue and see it through to the end.

I’m one of those people who reads the first book in a series, and even if it’s not very good, I feel compelled to continue, holding out hope that the writer will improve their technique.

With Harry Potter, that wasn’t necessary. I read the first book when I was tutoring my cousin one summer. As an incentive for her to practice reading shorter stories, I promised to read one chapter a day of any book she chose aloud. It didn’t take long for me to get hooked.

I’m not a fanatic who is going to stake out the theater or the bookstore dressed in black robes, thick glasses and a maroon and gold scarf, but I am going to look forward to the release of the book, and I will probably be snuggled up in my house this weekend until I’ve finished the last page.

As I sit bored and alone these darkest of dark nights I find myself thinking of a simpler time when my friends were close by, not wearing capes and reading about young wizards and ministers of magic day and night, day after day.

A time when Harry Potter was not yet born and the world was a calmer place. When potter lovers were not lining the streets at midnight waiting for their fix, the conversation at the water cooler did not consist of the word hogwart and when the man who yells at us with a vengeance hoping one day his 30 seconds comments will be heard was not yelling of the Antichrist and witch craft taking over the souls of the world.

Yes….A simpler time indeed.

As the Potter phenomenon seeps into minds across the country I do not know if I should feel ashamed about having missed the bandwagon or relieved I can stand to live with myself not knowing if Harry Potter will roam the earth again. I can live day to day without the anxiety of what is coming next in the lives of these young herons, or whatever they’re called.

I, for one, have not seen the movies nor read the books simply because I have not heard my calling to do so. I for one am one of the chosen who will indeed never know how to carry on a conversation about what Harry is doing next or which character will die in the process of making these witches and wizards.

So as I sit potter-less this Saturday I will have to closely re-adjust my life style now that it seems I am the only one left to roam the earth not knowing any of the names of these powerful teenagers nor their titles nor their characters nor their purpose.

Should I feel guilty about my lack of knowledge or proud of my ability to stand tall and not give into the dark forces of the Potter-filled world we have become?

It is like many other things in our culture, thinking back just a short time ago the world was watching “Friends” and whoever did not know about Ross, his baby with his ex-wife and her new wife, his pet monkey (not involved in the baby making of course), his string of girlfriends which he cheated on when the where “on a break” and his leather paints covered in powder was simply not suitable to roam the earth without a leash.

Before that I am sure there were other characters with heir dymatic ways that engulfed the people of the world into their make-beleive fantasy land and swallowed them whole.

But, for those of us who stand above the Potter undertaking good for us!! Now we can spend our lives trying to remain tall while wondering what the hell people are talking about.

This weekend the Relay for Life will take over the Chenango County Fairgrounds, and hopefully this wave of support and awareness for cancer will last long past 10 a.m. Saturday morning.

As someone who will be participating in this weekend’s event, I encourage everyone to come out and join me and the other countless individuals who are going to be walking the track beginning at 6 p.m. tonight.

This year I have the honor of introducing three ladies who have taken control of their lives and beaten the disease. Their courage and strength is an inspiration to us all. They remind us to value the simple things in life and not to take anything for granted.

The relay will begin at 6 p.m. tonight and last until 10 a.m. Saturday. Come down to support those who are battling cancer and those who have overcome it, and to remember those who have been lost to the disease.

I am not a Harry Potter fan.

I am cynical and mean though, and I understand where the people who leak the ending of “Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows,” are coming from.

But I’ve got to give “spoilers” a thumbs down for basically ruining most Harry Potter fans’ lives – just because they can.

The last wizard book may not be a big deal to some. But for others, a ruined Harry Potter ending is like a Chernobyl meltdown happening inside their little hearts.

Harry Potter fans haven’t hurt anyone. I say let them enjoy their fantasy and let’s not always be raining on their parade.