A whale of an idea


Michael McGuire

If I am going to be this big, I might as well be a whale headed in the wrong direction.

How awesome would that be? Anytime you screw-up the world will bail you out – no questions asked.

“Hello, I’m a desperate whale in need of $20 bucks for cab fare. I slept through my alarm and now I’m late for an appointment with my probation officer across town. They said if I miss another urine test they’ll throw me back in jail. Can anyone help me?”

Can anyone help you? Are you kidding?

The world’s top marine biologists would hand over fistfuls of cash, debit cards, and travelers checks all at once, start hailing you a cab and say, “Don’t you even worry about the money. All that matters is you pass that drug screening.”

“About that. The reason I overslept is because I got wicked stoned yesterday and drove 90 miles in the wrong direction on the way back from a party. My car ran out of gas and it took me all night to get back.”

–”Oh you must be exhausted. You should rest. Don’t worry about the appointment, whale. My brother-in-law is an attorney. He knows some people who know some people in the state probation department. He can pull some strings.”

“What about the dirty urine?”

–”Let me know when your make-up test will be and I’ll smuggle you in a clean sample. Not only are we Marine Biologists drug free, we are also crafty.”

“Sounds like you guys got this under control. Can we go get some food now? I’m jones’n for a breakfast burrito.”

–”I’m a strict vegan – but eating some sausage, bacon, eggs and cheese with a misguided whale does sound pretty good. Hop in my car, breakfast is on me.”

It obviously pays to be a whale.

Just don’t strive to be one of those rare 1,000 hogs that roam the backwoods of Georgia and Alabama. They can’t catch a break.