My neighbor’s garage puked on me, and all I got was this stupid shirt


Michael McGuire

I almost got killed the other day.

That means it must be garage sale season again.

People don’t realize the impact off-loading their junk can have on a neighborhood. It’s like in 1980 when Fidel Castro unleashed thousands of Cuban prisoners and mental patients onto the U.S. after he opened-up Mariel Bay, so “political refugees” could live their dreams in America. He basically dropped a bomb on us.

Same goes for any garage (i.e. basement, bedroom, living room, bathroom) sale.

It’s Saturday. It’s sunny. It’s quiet. It’s wonderful.

A far of voice then whispers to your neighbor, “If you build it (a tent covering four folding tables filled with 25 years worth of stuff you no longer care about), they will come.”

KA-BOOM!

Mayhem ensues.

People for forty square miles turn into flesh-eating zombies – and they show-up in droves.

Nearby lawns turn into outposts and access roads for the eager hordes. Cars get jacked sideways in the street because – even though there aren’t any legitimate parking spots left – they don’t care, “there might be a velvet Elvis chess set in there.”

Clusters of automatons walk down the middle of the street adoring their “Easy Rider” lunchboxes, oblivious and unyielding to oncoming traffic. Then, once they get into their cars to leave, they’ll pull out blindly into the road, cutting-off passing motorists and cyclists, nearly causing horrible accidents, all while clutching their “new” 4×16 Indian dream catcher and shouting “Veni, vidi, vici!”

Meanwhile, you become a prisoner in your own home. You can’t drive – the streets are blocked. You can’t walk – you may get trampled and robbed. You can’t call for help – a sale goer has commandeered your telephone (right after commandeering your bathroom) to call and confer with their significant other to find out if $10 bucks for a ripped “slip n’ slide” is a good deal.

What a nightmare.

When the dust finally settles, it looks like your neighborhood caught on fire and someone put it out with an ax.

Whatever happened to the Salvation Army? Whatever happened to the side of the road? Whatever happened to sending enormous goodwill packages to unsuspecting pen pals?

Be a good neighbor and don’t have garage sales. Build a high fence around your property and pile everything in the backyard.