Blotter time

Tyler Murphy

Every morning I come into work and sift through a small stack of papers that soon enough will be perhaps the most broadly read – the police blotter.

If only I could tell you the number of favors I could have cashed out by just letting one of these sheets slide off into the nearby garbage can. It would be so easy… and just think of all the rewards… true love, gold coins and immortality. Yes, the temptation to remove both friend and foe from the list has great reward. It’s tempting, but lucky for me credibility and honesty are in rare quantity. I’m sure if I just hold out a little longer they’ll just keep appreciating. Maybe someday when the weight of the reward outweighs the usefulness of such things, I’ll sell out and build a house on a magic cloud, riding my flying pig back and forth from Disney World every day. (Sorry for being so sarcastic, I can’t stand Disney… not since the Lion King anyhow.)

My favorites are the calls we get from people who demand not to be placed in the blotter and these calls are usually from the most guilty. It’s not like we were the one that sold you your crack and made you drive down Rt. 12 at 80 miles an hour with a license that was suspended because of your two prior DWIs, all since October. (Seriously we get a lot worse than that.)

Everyone goes into the blotter – EVERYONE. You, me, my neighbor, cops, judges and even my boss (holding my breath for that day.) If you get arrested, you get published. I can’t help it if people before me weed out their relations, but as far as I know every agency takes it very seriously and anyone who does “help out a friend,” shouldn’t.

I understand the appearance of guilt by being arrested, but remember anyone in the blotter is innocent and such assumptions of guilt are often made by the type of people who appear in it. So remember don’t be quick to judge because we all will be on the other end at one point or another. If any of you out there wants your dispositions published, please contact us. A disposition is the result of your case, however most don’t get them put in … geez, I wonder why. (That was me being subtly sarcastic because most people are guilty of at least something).

But if you refuse to give up the fight, here are my asking prices

Misdemeanor- 50 bucks and a monkey that can serve me coffee in the morning

DWI- Let me hit you in the face with a tire iron….. twice…. then maybe

Felonies – 200 bucks and I get to fire you out of a cannon. (Sorry our cannon is having technical difficulties so please provide your own)

Murder, Manslaughter, rape – No need to worry about the blotter, you’ll make front page news

Child molesters- let me hit you with my car at 70 miles an hour…. twice… then no.

“Life is tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.” -John (the Duke) Wayne